Journal Entry – How My 3 Yr Old Challenged My Faith In God

kasen and meYesterday was my son’s third birthday. It’s hard to believe how much he has changed, how much I have changed, and how much life has changed ever since the day I found out I was pregnant with him. It’s been an incredible three years.

Four years ago, when my husband and I were considering having children, I prayed to God, “Let you will be done.”  And so it was. The day before my baptism at North Point Community Church, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. (You can watch that video here)

A couple of weeks later, we went to the doctor to confirm it. We saw the ultrasound. We heard the heartbeat. Everything was perfect, a picture of health. We were over the moon! We were going to be parents!

The next day, my husband and I left for vacation. We had booked a trip to Washington D.C., partly for a vacation and partly for me to research this book I’ve been secretly working on for awhile. (Read about that here.)

Without getting too graphic, as we were standing at our gate, getting ready to board our plane, I felt blood.

I rushed to the bathroom to confirm what I thought I had been feeling… It was blood. A lot of blood. In that moment all kinds of thoughts, emotions, fears, worries, etc. began to race through my mind: Was I miscarrying? Was this really happening? If so, how did I feel about this? I didn’t know. I was too shocked; It was emotional whiplash.I went from being on cloud nine to hitting rock bottom, all in a matter of minutes.

I called my doctor’s office. Her advice was basically this (and she put this much more delicately than I’m describing:) “You have two options. Get on your plane and try to enjoy your trip. Or go to an ER to find out whether or not you are miscarrying. But if you are, there is nothing they can do about it.”

I got on the plane.

As I sat there in my seat, both of us freaking out, wondering what was happening, what was going to happen, a sudden peace came over me. I made a choice.

There’s this song by Rita Springer called, “Worth it All.” It goes like this, “I don’t understand your ways. Oh, but I will give you my song. I’ll give you all of my praise. You hold onto all my pain. And with it you are pulling me closer, pulling me into your ways. Around every corner and up every mountain…It’s gonna be worth it. It’s gonna be worth it all.”

I sang that in my mind, meditating on it’s message, and praying on the plane, “God, let your will be done. Whatever you decide, I will praise you and submit to your will. Because, I trust you.”

…And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Phillipians 4:7

We continued our trip, not knowing whether or not I was still pregnant. The bleeding stopped, which was a good sign. Also, I continued to feel like I was pregnant (morning sickness, fatigue, etc.), which was also a good sign.

When we got back home, I got another ultrasound. And there, loud and clear, was his heartbeat. And that beautiful little heart has been beating ever since.

I am so grateful for this boy. I am so grateful for how our story ended. I realize for some women, it doesn’t always end as happily.

All I know is that when I see my children, I realize that they have given me more purpose and success than I ever thought I could have achieved on my own. I thank God for making me realize that.

Yes, I have career ambitions and things that I would like to accomplish. But to quote a woman whom I admire so much, Jackie Kennedy, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do matters very much.” 

Kasen and Ella, thank you for showing me the true meaning of success. Everything else I accomplish is just a bonus. And lastly, thank you for showing me how important it is to continuously surrender to the will of God.  Like a tree planted by the stream of living water [God’s will], it brings forth fruit in due season.” (Psalm 1:13) You two are the best fruit ever. 🙂

I fervently believe God has big plans for this little boy (and for his little sister). I’m not saying my son is the next Jesus Christ, by any means. But before Kasen was even a thought in my mind, God already had plans for him.  To me, that is just amazing to think about.

I can’t wait to find out what those plans are.

Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done.” Psalm 105





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