Today was the first day that I was alone with my two children. Now, granted I am recovering from having my daughter, so I am a little more fragile than usual. But overall, the day went really well.
However, there was an extended period of time where my son was becoming frustrated with my constant tending to his little sister. He loves her. He adores her and if anything, I have to keep him from getting all Lenny (Of Mice and Men) on her.
But he started acting out. And I became frustrated, annoyed even…I felt terrible. All he wanted was my time and attention. He wanted me to play with him,to interact with him and I could barely do that. I felt so guilty.
My guilt goes deeper than that: I think about how many distractions we have as parents. Not just our other children, but the televisions, and the cellphones. How much of my kids’ time am I losing, because I am starring at a screen? Or because they are?
How do I balance being a parent and being human? Even super heroes need a break from saving the world ever now and then.
I’ve always heard people say that I should cherish these moments with my children, because I will never get this time back. And when I see how little my daughter is and how big my son is… it’s true. The time has, and it will continue to go by so quickly.
Not long ago, my son was the newborn baby I was tending to constantly. And now he’s the toddler that I’m begging to sit down and clean up after himself. How active of a parent was I then? How active of a parent am I now?
Today was a wake up call. Not just because I felt so badly for my son. But because it was a wake up call for a higher call of accountability for how I interact with my children on a minute to hourly basis:
Remember that old school song by Aerosmith, “I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing?” (Really, Laura? Really?) Yes, really. That song is giving me some major feels
Suddenly, that’s how I am feeling about my children right now. I don’t want to miss a single moment of their lives. I want to be so in tune with everything that’s going on that I can honestly say, I took advantage of every moment I had with them.
I can’t bear the thought of either of them thinking or feeling like I loved them poorly, or that I loved one more than the other. I can’t bear the thought of them feeling like I was never really present in their lives. Especially, if I can control how present I choose to be.
I never realized how much having children would alter my life and my time management. I never realized how much having children would completely alter my perspective on my priorities.
But I do know when I look at them, I want to be the best mother I can possibly be.
Gosh, how is it possible to love something so much?
Okay, sorry for the emotional post. 🙂