I’ve had some pretty challenging jobs, and worked with some pretty challenging people, but being a mother maybe one of the hardest and most challenging things I have ever had to be and do. Nothing challenges you more than raising a child. That is if you really give a damn.
There are some days when I am bursting at the seams with love for this little being that was miraculously created by God, my husband and me. Then there are some days where I am on the verge of a breakdown, because this little being has repeatedly pushed me to my limits.
I find myself to be so anxious about every little task or decision that involves my child. Am I feeding him too much sugar? Did he drink enough water today? Is he getting the proper attention and discipline for his needs? Was he active enough today? Is he watching too much T.V. ?
And maybe, at the end of the day, when my child is a grown adult, none of those little bits and pieces of raising him matter, because neither one of us will truly remember every square inch of this journey.
But that doesn’t keep me from feeling so dang guilty all the time. Everyday, I feel like some how I am not giving my child exactly what he needs. As if he was a recipe that needed just a tsp more of this and cup more of that. It’s exhausting.
Why do I do this? Because I care TOO damn much. So I suppose I should take comfort in that, but that doesn’t help me sleep at night.
Like I mentioned in my post (Don’t Judge a Mother…) there is no such thing as a perfect mom, because every child needs a different kind of mom based on his or her personality. But I always feel like my good is never good enough. Or maybe my best, isn’t “best enough.”
Being a mother is a gift– a role that nothing else in this world can compare to. I just wish I wasn’t so full of guilt and condemnation about it all the time.
If having and raising children is something women were MADE (debatably) to do, then why is it so dang hard? Why must we feel so badly about ourselves all the time?
I don’t really have an answer or a sunny side. These are just some rhetorical musings of mine.